


marked me like a bloodstain

by screaminghalfpastmidnight



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Barry Allen has Regrets, Dad!Barry Allen, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Season/Series 06, Superheroes and their Guilt, and im tired of all the toxicity in tv couples tbh, i love them bc they always talk out their problems, mama!iris west, married!Westallen, named after a taylor swift song, post-mirrorverse plotline, taking nora to the future was a mistake and we all agree, the 5.18 storyline? the fuck was that, we all miss nora
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:55:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28830777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/screaminghalfpastmidnight/pseuds/screaminghalfpastmidnight
Summary: Until one night, when they’re back at the loft and he’s making her dinner and she’s sitting on the counter watching him do it, something she’s sure she hasn’t done since they had just been married and she’s feeling a little sentimental. If Barry was acting like himself again, they could be giggling and joking and maybe even dancing around like two lovesick newlyweds. He’s telling her about Cisco’s plan for them to all go ice-skating and she mentions how horrible Nora was at it, and he goes silent, no longer a smile on his face.That’s when it hits her. Now, it’s not rare for her to mention Nora. Once she died, they made a point of talking about her as much as they could, deciding it was a disservice to her memory if they just acted like they never had her in the first place, even though they’re supposed to have a baby-her in a few years. Barry’s talked about her too, though not once since Iris escaped the mirror. And now that she’s going over it in her head, he’s shut down every single time their daughter’s been mentioned by anyone and always tried to change the subject.ORiris comes out of the mirrorverse and after dealing with her own mental health, she notices Barry's struggling with the past.
Relationships: Barry Allen/Iris West
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	marked me like a bloodstain

**Author's Note:**

> ok so it's no secret to the world that the 5.18 plotline of barry taking nora to the future INFURIATED me (which really has more to do with my own trauma than the show - but STILL) and while there is an apology and they move past it in the show, that was before nora faded away to dust, so here's a short lil thing about barry struggling with the time he wasted being angry with her when she literally died a few weeks later, brought on by mirror!iris taunting him about his mistakes in decision-making, specifically with nora.
> 
> !!not a part of my 'happy endings aren't overrated' series!!
> 
> also this is my first time writing pure westallen so i'm not sure how i feel about it
> 
> title from "cardigan" by Taylor Swift

There’s a long period of time after Iris has escaped the mirrorverse and (mostly) dealt with the anger and resentment and fear that comes along with having someone else take over your body and pretend to be you for months - it won’t all go away, but she’s doing a lot better than before - when _Barry_ is the one that’s acting off.

Now, Iris West-Allen knows her husband. She’s proven it time and time again, not just through being his wife, but through being his girlfriend, and his friend before that. He’s strong-willed and sensitive and no matter what he was going through, he’s never failed to be protective and considerate over the ones he loves. He was the most perfect husband she could ask for when she came back, taking whatever shit she’d throw at him while she was feeling like a stranger in her own body, her own home, her own _marriage_ . He was patient and understanding and receptive to whatever she asked or told him she was feeling. He was _perfect_.

But it’s been months now. They _should_ be okay - or at least, on their way to being okay. And Iris, she feels like she’s there, but he’s not. She tries asking him about it numerous times; sometimes she’s subtle, and sometimes she’s point-blank right out with it, yet he still brushes it off and pushes her away gently, as if she’s some sort of victim who can’t handle the truth.

Which frankly, pisses her off. 

But she watched him break down over her while she was in the mirrorverse and honestly, she’d sell her soul to never see him so hurt again, and so she decides that she’s not the only one struggling with her clone taking over her life and that what her husband needs is space and time to come to terms with the deceit.

Still, that doesn’t mean she hasn’t been using her journalism skills to try and detect what’s up with him, though she has no luck.

Until one night, when they’re back at the loft and he’s making her dinner and she’s sitting on the counter watching him do it, something she’s sure she hasn’t done since they had _just_ been married and she’s feeling a little sentimental. If Barry was acting like himself again, they could be giggling and joking and maybe even dancing around like two lovesick newlyweds. He’s telling her about Cisco’s plan for them to all go ice-skating and she mentions how horrible Nora was at it, and he goes silent, no longer a smile on his face. 

That’s when it hits her. Now, it’s not rare for her to mention Nora. Once she died, they made a point of talking about her as much as they could, deciding it was a disservice to her memory if they just acted like they never had her in the first place, even though they’re supposed to have a baby-her in a few years. Barry’s talked about her too, though not once since Iris escaped the mirror. And now that she’s going over it in her head, he’s shut down every single time their daughter’s been mentioned by anyone and always tried to change the subject.

She frowns at him, speaking softly. “Barry?” He hums, looking up at her and planting a small smile on his face, though she can see just how forced it is. “What did she say to you?” It comes out as more of a broken whisper than she’d like it to, but she’s afraid of the answer.

“What? Who?” He says, genuinely confused. 

“The other me. About Nora.” Guilt washes over his face and he just looks down at the frying pan, shaking his head.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does.” Iris says, eyes filling with tears. “All this time, that’s what this has been about. I thought we were just getting back into the swing of things, but you’ve stopped talking about her. You look away when I mention her name, Barry.” He doesn’t look at her, though she can see the pain and fear in his eyes and so she speaks firmly, giving him no other choice. “Tell me.”

His shoulders sink and he lets his eyes slip shut, whispering, “She didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know.” Iris stays quiet, staring at him and he knows she’s not going to let him get away with brushing it off this time. “We had a fight. She kicked me out after I sent Joe to witness protection. She said that I’m always making these decisions on my own and then everyone else has to reap the consequences.” He pauses, looking at her with tears in his eyes. “Flashpoint, the Speed Force… and leaving Nora.”

His voice breaks on that last part and while it rips a hole in Iris’ chest, she’s still confused. “I don’t understand. Barry, we got through that. We all did. You and I. You and Nora. You apologized, she forgave you.”

“Yeah, and then she died.” He says coldly, turning the stove off and leaning against the counter beside it, directly across from Iris as he looks at her, eyes filling with tears.

Iris frowns, peering at him softly. “So, what? You don’t think that you had enough time to… make it up to her?”

“It’s not just that.” He shakes his head, pausing again. He presses his lips together, trying a different angle. “The other you didn’t _have_ to point it out. I knew it before, and I didn’t want to talk about it because it’s still _so hard_ for us. I didn’t want to bring my guilt into our grief because there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t get rid of it.”

“Babe, I don’t understand! What are you so guilty over?” She asks, and he pauses again, crossing his arms.

“We both agree that taking Nora to the future was a mistake.” He says with sincerity, his tone filled with pain. “But Iris, I know in my bones that if I never left her there, she wouldn’t have died.”

Iris’ face drops and she stammers a bit, genuinely astonished that those words just came out of his mouth. “That is not true.”

“Yes, it is.” He says, with no room for arguing. “If I’d just given her a chance, I would’ve had the time and I would’ve seen right through Thawne’s plan and I could’ve stopped it. She’d still be here!”

“No, she wouldn’t!” Iris says, tear falling down her cheek. “She’d be back in the future and you’d be dead! The timeline change is the reason you’re alive right now.”

Barry looks down, not willing to see it her way. “Even so, you’ve told me a million times over that I make decisions without considering anyone else and it always gets them hurt. We’ve had our biggest fights over that very problem.”

She hops down from the counter, making her way over to him and placing her hands on his cheeks to wipe his tears. “But we got through it. We’re working on that everyday.”

He doesn’t look at her, sniffing as even more tears fall. “I’m tired of making these mistakes that I can’t fix. I thought at this point that I had it down, but I don’t. Especially when it comes to you and… Nora. The other you made it seem like you were leaving me because of these mistakes and I was surprised, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I took away this precious time with our kid because I was angry at her, when I could’ve just _talked_ to her.”

Iris leans her forehead against his cheek and closes her eyes for a second. “Hey, I wish that I could take things back, too. I wish I’d known my mother at least a little bit, I wish I’d taken Nora to go see The Nutcracker like I’d promised. And everytime that something happens to my dad, I think back to the amount of time I spent angry at him for lying about Francine. That’s grief, babe. You think about the things you would’ve done differently, the things you regret. You know that better than anyone.”

“This is different.”

“How?”

“Because she was my daughter.” He whimpers, hanging onto his wife tightly. “She came here to know me and I abandoned her. Everytime I think about her, the first thing that comes to mind is me and her in the Starchives, and the way she looked at me that day. The _betrayal_ in her eyes, the way she backed away from me. I remember every single word she said to me and she was right about all of it.”

Iris wipes her own tears away and then pulls him even closer, her arms going around his neck, ensuring he looks at her. “Nora told us in her video that she didn’t regret anything about the time she spent with us. Sooner or later, you’re gonna have to believe that, Barry.” She pauses, trying to make sure he really _hears_ her. “She forgave you. And if you think that you could’ve done more, fine. I can’t convince you not to feel that way. But she loved you, babe. She loved you more than anything in the whole world, she said it herself. One mistake doesn’t change that, no matter how much value you put into it.”

He blinks a few times, nodding as if he’s trying to make himself believe that as she continues. “We love each other unconditionally. We all do. There is nothing that Caitlin or Cisco or my dad or Cecile or Wally could _ever_ do that would make me stop loving them. They would say the same about me and about you and you would say the same for them. Nora loved us unconditionally, just as we loved her.”

He nods again, a little calmer than before as he runs his hands up and down her back, speaking quietly. “I wish we had more time. I wish I could just… talk to her. Apologize…”

“You already apologized.”

“I know and I meant it back then, but it’s different now.” _Now that she’s gone,_ he doesn’t have to say. She nods, standing on her tiptoes and kissing his head before pulling him into a hug, letting him bury himself in her. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about this earlier. It’s just hard to think about the good memories when I don’t know how to get over the bad ones.”

She smiles against him and whispers, “Time. One of these days, you’ll make peace with it. I know it.” He nods, pulling away just so he can give her a kiss. “I love you.” She says. “Now, can we please go back to being the happy couple we were before all of this? I miss you.”

He lets out a laugh, gazing at her all lovestruck like he’s done their whole lives. “Oh, I’m sorry. Am I not doing it for you anymore?” He jokes, pushing her away from him cheekily when she answers, “No, not really.”

They’re not okay. But _now_ they’re getting there.

That’s enough.

**Author's Note:**

> title from "cardigan" by Taylor Swift
> 
> leave me a comment if you liked it :)


End file.
